Dadversions: Because You Deserve 15 Minutes to Yourself

Let's be honest, dads—nobody really watches the Pro Bowl. But how are we supposed to get through a Sunday with no entertainment. Fear not—DADversions is back! In this week's installation from Stunt Dad, we feature a group of guys who've answered the age old question: "Who would win in a rap battle, Christopher Columbus or Captain Kirk?" Well wonder no more. You can judge for yourself.

Meet BoomTubers, Epic Lloyd and Nice Peter—a duo researches, writes, and performs "Epic Rap Battles of History." With a catalog of performances growing by the month on YouTube, their painstakingly-produced and well-staged episodes pit various historical figures against one another. Who's the better writer, Dr. Seuss or William Shakespeare? Who's the bigger brainiac, Albert Einstein vs Stephen Hawking? Who's the worst villain, Darth Vader or Adolph Hitler? The decision is up to you.

After meeting at a party in Chicago, this pair plus one other started performing and developing this model in 2010 as an improve game in a rap improve show. Shortly after the production wrapped, they decided to give it new life on YouTube. And working in conjunction with Maker Studio in California, they did just that.

And their hard work really pays off. They use some of the most specific details about their subject's lives to craft witty and what-the-f*ck humor. But enough from us—you be the judge.

While many of the short videos can get pretty graphic, we've suggested a few that are more on the "clean" side. If you like what you see, you can dig into the archives yourself and get to the really good stuff. So check out this short list of Epic Rap Battles of History:

Dr. Seuss vs William Shakespeare

Mr. T vs Mr. Rogers

Albert Einstein vs Stephen Hawking

Napoleon vs Napoleon

Billy Mays vs Ben Franklin

Columbus vs Captain Kirk

- Not a parenting blog, not a daddy blog, not a mommy blog — it's a Stunt Dad blog.

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Planning for college just became more difficult - English or 20th Century Klingon Literature?

As loving parents and bad ass dads, our mission is to provide our little spawns roots to grow and wings to fly. And while it would be wrong to dictate their future career options; such as being a left handed pitcher for the Chicago Cubs and finally break the Billy Goat curse by pitching a NO HITTER in the seventh and final game against the Yankees, we do need to help them make the choices that will help them find their calling in life, such as pitching for the Chicago Cubs. Unfortunately the no goods at NASA just made finding our spawns calling in life WAY harder by expanding the options exponentially. Those turds at NASA never do anything small.

A few weeks ago NASA ruined your college planning by announcing that the probability of alien life is like, well, totally probable. This article http://www.dailygalaxy.com/my_weblog/2012/01/-nasa-probabilty-of-alien-life-in-the-milky-way-increasing-exponentially.html explains in mathy terms how there are a ton of earth like places out in space, meaning that alien life most likely exists.

So what does that mean for us? We are the generation of globalization. Our smart friends became international lawyers and business people. They started import export businesses or made their way to the top of some big corporation by offshoring the call center. As a generation we have both benefitted and suffered from globalization. We can get any kind of fruit any time of year, furnish our living room at Walmart with the change we found in the cushions of our old sofa, but also have witnessed friends jobs moved to foreign soil and struggle to reinvent their careers and passions. Before we complain or cheer the affects of globalization, we should realize that it was merely phase 1, and if NASA keeps pushing to infinity and beyond, our kids will be asking to join the Univerisity of Pheonix's Inter-Galactic Bussiness program, or The University of Chicago's program for Universal Economics. Studying the romance languages will hold little allure compared to the dialects of The Central Milky Way and the field of medicine will expand from Wookie Podiatrists, to Banta Brain Surgeons.

So thanks NASA! Thanks a lot for making a difficult task damn near impossible. It was hard enough helping guide our little ones to the path of happiness when there was thousands of options, now with gazillions I don't even know where to start. And I bet that foreign exchange program 12 light years away ain't cheap either. But I'm not giving up. I bet a left hander from the north side will still be able to make a career for himself, whether it be pitching against the Yankees, or the Vulcans.

Posted by Stunt Ben


- Not a Mommy Blog, Not a Daddy Blog. We are a Stunt Dad blog.

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It's Never Too Soon To Start Thinking About Your Next Family Trip

So the other morning I was making my way home from an after-party when I overheard two mothers talking while walking their children to school. The one turned to the other and began to explain how difficult it was to have the children all cooped up inside during the winter. She and her husband were trying to decide where they could take the kids during their "spring break" that would offer them an outlet for full-on kid craziness and fun.

After hearing this, I proceeded to talk to the two ladies about their dilemma. I handed the one mother my glow sticks as I pulled out my iPhone and searched for the following url:

www.citymuseum.org/site/

If you're looking for a one-of-a-kind place where your kids can explore and run wild (and you can partake of some adult beverages on-site), look no further than St. Louis' own City Museum. This place is like Disney World on an acid trip with a little bit of the movies Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Labrynth thrown in for good measure. The 600,000 square-foot system of surrealism is housed in the multi-story former International Shoe Company building. But not even the building can contain the imagination of this space as it explodes out to the roof and beyond. It features a 5,000 gallon aquarium, a network of tunnels, tree houses, caves, and 2 Saber 40 aircraft fuselages and buses suspended stories above the pavement below. It's beyond insane.

Not only is it perfect for playing, but it's tremendous for teaching. Included among the menagerie of mazes and metal are a number of historical areas: an architecture museum, a functioning shoelace factory, an opera poster museum, a natural history museum, and a number of other unexpected attractions.

And best of all, the museum features multiple bars. It's the perfect mix of distraction for kids and drinking for adults. As an uncle, I happen to enjoy the balance of the ball pit and the bar. Uncle Terry likey.

So the next time you start thinking of a place to take the kids, forego the typical water park or amusement park and check out the City Museum in St. Louis. 

And that's my take on it.

Do you have unique places to recommend to Stunt Dad nation? If so, please share your recommendations.

- Not a parenting blog, not a daddy blog, not a mommy blog — it's a Stunt Dad blog.

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100 Days for My Baby Girl: Week 11

Week 11

Blue eyes or brown? Blond hair or dark? Social butterfly or bookworm? These are the questions that have been debated between Wifey and I this week.

However, caucasian baby eyes don't change color until about 6-9 months, if they are going to change. K2 is currently bald, so it will be a long time before we see what hair color she has (my hair went from toe head to brown when I was 8 years old). And, she's not even remote close to walking, let alone reading. So why do we ask ourselves these questions so early on in our little girl's life? Because we are parents, that's why!

While, it's our job to plan ahead, see what's on the horizon, and be prepared, quite frankly, it's just fun to sit around and talk about what she's going to be like when she grows up. Every time she giggles, I laugh and say, "she's going to be a comedian just like mommy!" Every time she cries, I sigh and say, "she's  going to be fussy just like daddy." But, every time she kicks her feet and swats her hands, Wifey and I both smile proudly and say, "she's going to be athletic, just like both of us." No matter what age K2 is, we are both going to be well ahead of her, getting ready for the ups and downs that are sure to come.

So, Week 11 is going to be all about anticipation. And, here are two things I'm planning on doing:

#1: "Top 10" Contest for My Daughter
Now you know where my son gets his gambling from. Yes, it's true—I will be organizing a family and friends contest to correctly guess key progress throughout K2's life by focusing on the top 10 milestones that are absolutely critical for her to achieve or be confirmed after 1 year.

1. Eye color
2. Hair color
3. Number of teeth
4. Will she have had a haircut
5. Will she be walking (on her own)
6. Will she say both "mama" and "dada" (to the correct parent)
7. Will she be able to give a "high-5" (on command)
8. Will Daddy have a classic "she pooped on me", "she peed on me", "both" story
9. Over/under (5) on the number of public places we will have abruptly left due to a K2 meltdown
10. How far will she be able to throw Munch's Iowa Hawkeye Mini-Football (in inches) Tie-breaker: what inappropriate word will K2 have mastered saying

Each completed entry will also have a $25 fee. This fee gets them a seat at K2's 1-year birthday party, where the winners will be announced (1st, 1st runner-up, honorable mention). Not only will the prize money generate a lot of interest in keeping tabs on K2, but it will also force them to come to the birthday party. And you know what that means? More people=more free stuff for K2=less stuff Mommy and Daddy have to spend on K2= more money we get to spend on ourselves=leather recliner? Projection TV? Bose surround system? A father can dream, can't he?

#2: Set up a College Fund for My Daughter

Would you miss $100 a paycheck? Me too. But—I can stomach it, knowing that tax free money will be going to my little girl for her to go to college. At this rate: 2x a month, 12 months a year, for 18 years will build a little nest egg for her. Now, the good news is that will equate to upwards of $40,000 a year. The bad news is that may be good enough for just her freshman year of high school. 20 years ago, the average 4-year university cost $12,185 per year. Two years ago? $20,986. Which is nearly doubled. So, looking ahead to the year 2029, and thinking one year alone could amount to ~$40,000 a year??? Well, at least one year will be paid for. So, it looks like we will be looking for a new house in a school district that offers college credit classes!!!

Somehow, this posting kind of suggests that kids cost money. While that was not intentional, I suppose its unavoidably true. But—if you plan accordingly, like conning those closest to you in order to have a kick ass home theater or sacrificing a little bit of money now to find out that it wasn't nearly enough in the future, it might make you feel a little better about the cash your little ones will bleed you dry for over the next 18-20 years.

What am I missing? What else could I be doing for my baby girl?

Check out the previous weeks below...
Week 10: Instruction
Week 9: Instruction

Week 8: Affection
Week 7: Communication
Week 6: Documentation
Week 5: Appreciation

Week 4: Observation

Week 3: Celebration

Week 2: Connection

Week 1: Reminiscence



- Not a parenting blog, not a daddy blog, not a mommy blog — it's a Stunt Dad blog.

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Stunt Double: Tom from buildingalibrary.com

Here at Stunt Dad, we are always looking out for fellow fathers who share our values and are out there fighting the good fight... Stunt Doubles, if you will. Every now and then, we like to feature a site that we believe you, the Stunt Dad Nation, will appreciate. This week's site, buildingalibrary.com, is run by Tom Burns. His mission is to build a library of meaningful books for his child. When asked why he started the site, he responded:

"I sat there, dumbstruck at the idea of being a father and what that meant. I knew, deep down in my core, that there were certain books, certain formative books that my kid HAD to read. Had to. And, while it wasn’t necessarily my job to force those books down his or her throat, it was my responsibility as a parent to make sure that my child had access to the right kinds of books – the important books, the funny books, the books that I loved or that friends loved or that someone, somewhere had said “this book MEANT something to me”. And that’s when I started to build a library.

Tom recently posted a great review for Zombie In Love, Kelly KiPucchio.  Take a read and if you like it, please be sure to check out his site.

Do you want to be a Stunt Double? Do you think you have what it takes? We would love to hear from you. Send us an email at hq@stuntdad.com. Let us know what you want to talk about. 

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Louie C.K.: An Amazingly Funny Take on Parenthood

If you don't know who the pasty faced balding man to the left is...then you are missing out my friend. To all my fellow fathers out there, I would like to introduce you to Louie C.K., world's greatest comic and maybe the most honest father on the planet.

Louie has recently released a hour long special that you can download for only $5. I guarantee you that this will be the best $5 you will ever spend (unless you either encounter a man with magic beans or an all-you-can-kiss Natalie Portman kissing booth). There is a solid 20 minutes of the most honest take on fatherhood ("I am more bored than I love you right now.") you will ever hear. Here is a quick preview, but I highly recommend that you pull out that credit card and indulge yourself in 60 minutes of satisfaction that there are other parents out there that think like you.

(***Please note that Mr. C.K. uses the entire lexicon available including several not-sutitable-for-work words. If you are easily offended, or you sit outside of your boss's office, then maybe you should go check out some old Yakov Smirnoff clips.)



I also really love his take on fatherhood that he recorded for CBS Morning.



And finally, a painfully true take on what it is like to raise girls vs. boys.



So what do you think? Should we nominate Louie C. K. for Stunt Dad Father of the Year? Let us know in the comments below. Also, if you like the site, don't forget to Like us up in the upper left hand corner.


Not a parenting blog. Not a daddy blog. Not a mommy blog. We are a Stunt Dad blog.  Pin It Now!

100 Days for My Baby Girl: Week 10

Week 10

For some, the descent into Manland is slow and gentle, for others its steep and fast.

It's starts off innocently enough, as you spend the first couple of months absolutely fascinated with your new arrival. Nothing could be cuter or hold your attention more. And more than ever, your little girl is showing more action than ever. Baby's arms are waving side to side, baby's legs are kicking up and down, and baby's butt is wiggling in every direction possible. But, at this point, some of the newness has worn off and you might find yourself staring, laughing, and being in complete awe, just a little less than the day before.

Instead, you might find yourself staring, laughing, and being in complete disgust at Honey Boo Boo on TLC. This begins the inevitable return into the abyss we have come to know and love, a deep, immeasurable gulf known as Manland. The place where we sit on the couch scratching ourselves, wearing sweatpants, drinking an alcoholic beverage, and letting out a satisfying belch at a moment's notice. Of course, we all don't do that, moreover, we don't do that all the time, but we will start to find ourselves there more and more in between the "baby is new" and "infant is finally a toddler" stages.

However, spending time in Manland does have its consequences, most notably on your energy and activity levels. You will start to notice that it takes a second attempt to get off the couch, a long stretch once you're finally stable on your two legs, and a lot of aching as you walk over to get another beer from the fridge. I realize this may seem like a horrible image to most of you reading, but to a very small—minute, really—group of men, this Manland disease takes over and it's very difficult to treat. But, as a new father, you need to know, it's now or never. Are you going to embrace the challenges of maintaining a healthy, active lifestyle or are you going to take the easy road to an afternoon of Doritos, Miller Lite, and SportsCenter?

I'm taking the active route, so, Week 10 is going to be all about performance. And, here are two things I'm planning on doing:

#1: Begin a Workout Routine at Home

Around 3:30am the other night, our smoke detector stared that hellishly annoying chirping. Never do the batteries run out at a decent hour. Whether I'm in the middle of winning the lottery or some fantastically fantastic fantasy, these things always die out between the hours of 1am - 5am. At any rate, I passed by our full-length mirror in our bedroom and thought to myself, "Boy, that dude needs to workout." I literally didn't realize it was me until I had finished changing out the batteries and found myself perspiring. I know what you're thinking, I can't possibly be that out of shape—the condo must have been on fire, causing it to become so hot that I was sweating. Yes, that's much more realistic vs. the silly notion that futzing with a smoke detector would be such an intensive workout that I would need to dab my head with a towel after I finished. For argument sake, let's just say that I might need to go to a gym. However, having K2 a couple of months ago, all but guaranteed that I won't be spending 20 minutes to walk to the gym, 30 minutes on the treadmill, 30 minutes lifting weights, and walking another 20 minutes back home anymore. So what's a dad to do? Abandon Wifey and the kids for 2 hours a night so that I can watch fit 20 something's flirt with each other in tight clothes and know that will never be me again? As much as I feel staying in shape and working out is important, I haven't reached the point where its necessary for me to blow off my family. So, I've decided, instead of going to the gym, I'm going to bring the gym to me. Good bye Bowflex PR3000, AudioStrider 990 Pro, and Incline Trainer X9i—hello yoga mat, dumb bells, and my living room. After the kiddies go to bed, daddy is getting back in shape, and not giving up the 40 minute travel time to do it. I'm going to spend 5 days week at home, getting my workout on through old-school, army-inspired routines and dumbell exercises. For those who are curious, my regime is below. And, when I need extra support or new ideas on how to stay active, I can always check in on Stunt Chad's Daddy Don't Die Initiative for some tip and tricks. 

• 25 push-ups
• 25 sit-ups
• 20 bicep curls
• 20 lateral raises
• 20 lunges
• 20 leg pull ins
• 20 bent-arm laterals
• 20 tricep curls
• 25 sit-ups
• 25 push-ups

#2: Introduce my Daughter to a Baby Gym 

No, I'm not taking K2 to Lifetime Fitness. Like me, her workout routine is going to start at home. Up 'til now, K2's tummy time has taken place on our bed, the changing table, or the hardwood floor. Since I'm turning the family room into my own gym, I think it's only fair that K2 gets her own gym too. I will say, most of the baby gyms are pretty ridiculous, as they feature hideously bright colors, large obnoxious mobiles, and a not-as-padded-as-I-would-have-thought play mat. Of course, next to my plain, honey dew colored yoga mat, the baby gym looks like Disney World, and it's no wonder that K2 wil be slappin' and swattin' for hours on end with this monstrosity.

The positive energy you have after working out is incredible. You feel happy for no reason, you begin to catch your wife randomly checking out your butt, and your baby girl is just a couple of months away from scooting around. 

What am I missing? What else could I be doing for my baby girl?

Check out the previous weeks below...
Week 9: Instruction

Week 8: Affection
Week 7: Communication
Week 6: Documentation
Week 5: Appreciation

Week 4: Observation

Week 3: Celebration

Week 2: Connection

Week 1: Reminiscence



- Not a parenting blog, not a daddy blog, not a mommy blog — it's a Stunt Dad blog.

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I Blame It On Bad Parenting

We all know the saying, you can't judge a book by it's cover...but you sure can judge the author. For every brooding malcontent you see at your local mall, there are probably a mother and father somewhere that can be blamed for most of this child's actions. How can a beautiful baby grow up to be these????, I blame it on bad parenting.


The Emo Boy 

Yes, life is depressing. Yes, your teenage years can be difficult. Yes, the Smiths are really good to listen to on a rainy day. Yes, Hot Topics has a lot of cool clothing options to choose from... but come on man. Speaking as a father, there is no way that this is the result of parental emotional investment. Get over here you little doe eyed emo rapscallion, let daddy give you a hug and take you to a ball game.

Look At My Crazy Hair Kid 

 "Look at me dad. Look at me dad. Do you see me now? Can I get your attention for just one moment? Put down the paper and look at me. Fine! I am going to keep growing this mohawk until you truly see me dad."

The My Father Didn't Love Me Face Tattoo 

 Little Johnny here obviously always harbored the soul of a painter. He tried mightily to showcase his talents to his parents with drawings he would leave on the fridge, but his parents did not recognize his need for artistic recognition. Without proper guidance, Johnny was left to his own devices and quickly fell in with the wrong crowd. They appreciated his drawings. They appreciated when he would put them on their refrigerator. Seeking a way to show the world his passion for the arts, Johnny did what any reasonable individual would do, cover his face in satanic tattoos. It's like having a walking portfolio that even his parents can't overlook.

The Trying Too Hard To Be Alternative Teenager

Sure we all go through a rebellious stage in our life. We cut our hair a little weird. We wear controversial clothing. We listen to loud music. But there always has to be one kid that takes it too far. This is that kid. And I will bet every nickel I have in my pocket there is father at home that rode him hard to always take it to the next level when it came to little league sports. After recognizing that his son did not have the skills to play high school sports, he gave on the boy. Left with a will to take everything to the "next level" this walking metal shop became the guy that doesn't know when he has taken rebellion too far.

Michael Jackson 

I don't think I need to say too much here, but for those of you that don't know, here are the cliff notes:  Don't treat your child like a singing and dancing meal ticket and stunt their eventual growth into manhood. It doesn't end well for anybody but the strangely white and blonde children that are left with all of his money. 

So What do you think Stunt Dad Nation? Is it fair to judge parents by the looks of their children? Do you have any examples that you would like to share? Leave them in the comments below. 

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A Brave New Dating World

I hear it from dads all the time, "Dude, I envy you. You have no idea how hard being a father can be. Some days I just wanna be in your shoes, you awesome single guy." And it's right then that it happens—I can see it in their eyes—their gaze sorta glazes over and they're suddenly reflecting back upon their single days when they were carefree, out at the bars, and eyeing every girl who walked by. Ah… that's the life. That's what you miss. Oh the memories. Well I'm here to tell you… that's all it is. A distant memory. It ain't like that anymore, boys. 

Dad dudes, the landscape of dating has changed since you were out there those many years ago battling it out in the bars. You wouldn't recognize it today. The game has a new look altogether. A new set of rules. A new team of players. It's no longer charm, wit, and looks that wins the day. No. Now it's all done though social media channels—Foursquare, Facebook, and Yelp, oh my!

Walk into a bar these days and look around. What do you see? Groups of girls with their noses buried in the latest mobile device. Eye contact? Thing of the past. Casual conversation? Gone the way of the dodo bird. Getting a girl's digits? No one calls anyone anymore. Now its all about your online presence. Looking at profile pictures has replaced eye contact. Checking the status list has replaced conversation. And connecting through screen names has replaced phone numbers. And most of these girls aren't even talking to each other either—they're just huddled in circles texting and checking status updates.

In the past, girls would react to your clever comments and attention-getting behavior… (which was taking place right in front of them at the bar). Now, girls comment on your comments (comments on Facebook and Yelp). That's how you meet and interact with these young 20-somethings. You're not even actually with them. Believe it or not, 5 of my dates in the past month with this new breed of babes have occurred over foursquare and Yelp. I have no idea how I even got sucked into it. And then after a few exchanges, it hits you, "How do I even know if this chick is at least 18? Or if she's even A CHICK AT ALL?!" Oh… it's a brave new world, my friends… a brave, twisted, tragic, demented, new world.

And recently, the few times I have been able to penetrate this protective ring of the formidable chick click in a public setting, the conversation that follows is almost always unintelligible. You need the Rosetta Stone of Sally, Sarah, and Susie to decipher what these girls mean. Here's the break down (in % of frequency of occurrence) of what they mention, comment, or say:

20%: "OhMyGod" (This is one word, mind you).

25%: "Shut up!" (This is always used as an exclamation in reaction to the previous comment, even when the subject being discussed doesn't warrant its use. For example, "It looks like they're setting up a buffet in the back of the bar.").

20%: "Whatever" (This is often used when they are incapable of actually constructing a true retort. It kinda kills the conversation).

10%: "…just like in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." (I never read this book. I don't know any guys who did either. And I don't plan on reading it now just to be able to discuss it with a 24-year-old account manager drinking appletinis at a bar to increase my chances of hooking up).

15%: "So do you like Edward or Jacob? How can you like Jacob?! He's no good for Bella." (What is with this Twilight series? And why are these chicks so fascinated by werewolves and vampires?!).

10%: I refer to this as chick-chat (These are random comments about book club, shows like Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill on the CW, and kitten videos that they want to share with you on their smart phone.

And let's say you eventually DO have a live encounter. And let's say things DO go well. What then? Do you list your new "social-media partner" as a "location" of sorts. "Check-in"… at Shannon's. "To Do"… Shannon! "Tips"… she likes to cuddle afterwards. Well, guess that makes me the "Mayor" now. "Badge" me!

So dads, take it from me. The next time you're sitting there at home in your recliner wondering what it would be like to be sitting on a barstool instead… stick with the Lazy-boy and tv remote and be glad you got out of the game in the nick of time.


And that's my take on it.

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Happy Birthday to the most famous absentee father - Darth Vader

Happy birthday to Darth Vader who left his son to rule the universe, shot him down in a space dog fight, cut off his hand and then tried to lure him to the dark side. On the up side Darth did come around in the end to save Luke from certain death at the hands of the evil Emperor. I guess it's never too late to become a Stunt Dad, huh Darth?

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Judge, Jury, Stuntecutioner: Honey Boo Boo's "Mother"

The Case: The People vs. Honey Boo Boo's Mother

The Charges: Gross Negligence and Potential Parent Pimpentry

The Plaintiff: June "The Coupon Queen" Hollar

The Evidence: 



The Prosecution: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... I stand before you, a man baffled as to where even to begin. As you saw in the video, Ms. Hollar is what is traditionally called a "pageant" mom. I have before me over 600 pages of things that I deem to be wrong with what Ms. Hallar is doing, but due to the lack of time we have here today, I will provide you with an abridged overview:

1. Pimping Out Her Daughter For Money to Buy Packaged Goods in Bulk 
• Holy schnikies!! Did you see their house? It is filled wall-to-wall with packaged goods. For the love of god, they were playing with surplus rolls of paper towels for entertainment! This woman has either an extreme obsessive compulsive problem or she is a frequent shoplifter at her local Piggly Wiggly. I know that the defense will say that she is practicing good fiscal responsibility by stocking up to save money, but I think even Susie Orman would call this this excessive. I am not even sure what this has to do with her parenting skills other than the fact that the little girl has no toys in her room, but rather, has ample access to laundry detergent. The video never references the parents' careers, but based upon what I have seen thus far, I can only assume that it does not include fitness instruction, hair styling, teeth cleaning, or counting above 13.
2. Training Her Daughter To Act Like the Sassy Neighbor on a Bad Sitcom
• Statements like "Them other girls must beare crazy if they think they are meeting me honey boo boo child." and "A Dollar Makes Me Hollar Honey Boo Boo." cannot even be conceived by a child... or even a mature adult for that matter. This sounds like something that would be written by the staff of Sex and the City, or a couple of redneck mothers sweating to some oldies at the local Curves. 
• The excessive hand and head motions that go along with every statement are something that are not natural. Either she has a mother coaching her or she is the reincarnation of Jackée's character, Sandra Clark, from 227... and she isn't even dead yet.
3. Providing Her Daughter Stimulants In an Effort To Enhance Her Performance 
• "But all the other cool pageant mom's are doing it" is not an appropriate response to accusations of drugging a child to win a contest. What's next if the Mt. Dew stops working? Maybe a little trucker speed? Maybe the the child needs some encouragement for the next spelling bee? Is Ms. Hollar going to provide her an espresso? According to the American Heart Association, Children ages 4 to 8 should consume less sugar---about 12.5 g per day.
  
  
  
  The 20oz bottle of "Go-Go juice" contains over 77g of sugar. That would almost be 7 times the daily recommend amount. 7 times!!! And that is only if she drinks one. I understand that Ms. Hollar's  father was involved in the original advertising (see below), but that is no excuse to allow her child to gulp it down.



4. Being Ignorant Enough To Not Recognize That TLC Is Making Fun of Both Her and Her Daughter 

• From the wide shots of their house next to the train tracks to the oh-so feminine belch, TLC is obviously trying to paint the Hollar family as trailer trash (even if their house does not have wheels). At one point during the interview with the daughter where she grabs her belly, you can actually hear the camera crew laughing at her. I am sure that Ms. Hollar thought that this was just the first step in getting her daughter in the moving picture shows, but what she is really doing is allowing her child to be the center of global ridicule. As a father, my number one job is to protect my children. This family gladly opened their lives to an organization that only wanted to profit off using this poor child as a ratings draw. Had Ms. Hollar never seen the show before? Did she not see that past families had been painted as obsessive parents with questionable motives for parade their children around a stage in clothing that would make an East St. Louis stripper blush? 

I could continue this rant for another three hours, but I believe that the evidence speaks for itself. I hope this family recognizes the situation that they are putting themselves and this naive child into. The prosecution rests.

The Defense: ...I got nothing. I mean seriously, I am supposed to defend this disgusting child peddler?! No thank you. I have to live with myself. I actually feel like I need to take a shower from just watching that video. Being an agnostic man, I have actually just converted to Christianity just so that I can believe that there is a Hell in which this woman can spend her eternity. A Hell where she is forced to chug high sugar/caffeinated beverages and dance in skimpy outfits for the likes of Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer and Col. Sanders. Great googley moogley, did you see her shouting for her daughter to show her belly. "Hey honey, I know that you might be a little overweight, but let's use that to our advantage. Let's show them what a diet of primarily Mt. Dew soda and coupon purchased Carl Budding sandwiches can get you." This poor child does not deserve to be part of any of this. She should be at home playing in her yard, not dancing for strangers. She should be playing with her friends, not competing with girls dressed like Pinocchio or the spider. She should be allowed to be a little girl. Shame on you Ms. Hollar. Shame on you.

I would also like to request that we bring her unnamed husband into this discussion, because that is a gentlemen that needs a serious wake up call.

I have no idea where in the trailer park Ms. Hollar hid them, but this "man" needs to get hold of his balls and put his foot down. I can't even begin to think in what universe this "man" thinks having his 6 year old dress up like Daisy Duke, loaded up on "Go-Go juice," and dancing for strangers while his obviously deranged wife hoots and whistles like a construction worker on lunch break is a good idea. Look at that face. That is obviously a man that has to question the choices he has made in his life. He needs to stand up to his wife and say that enough is enough. What is she going to do, stop talking to him? Withhold "relations"? Possibly leave him? Well, if I were him, I couldn't think of anything else that could be better.

The Verdict:  Acting as a representative of... I can't even go through the formalities... this wackjob is guilty!!! G!U!I!L!T!Y! Guilty! Guilty! GUILTY!!!

Stunticution: Ms. Hollar is hereby sentenced to a lifetime of trying to correct the damage that she has already done to her child. This will include forcing Ms. Hollar to purchase her daughter a new line of wardrobe that does contain the word sassy or diva, the forced interaction that does not include coaching her daughter to gyrate or grab body parts for strangers, and the forced daily apology for using her daughter as an obvious pawn in her own desperate attempt to relive her high school years and get back at the popular girls. We also request that Ms. Hollar spend less time couponing and more time parenting. Yes, she will miss the buy 32 boxes of saltine crackers, get 1 free deal, but I think that her daughter will appreciate the additional mommy time. 

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Walking To School

I have discovered that many of the best moments of fatherhood are completely unexpected, unplanned, and unmanufactured. One of my favorites as a new dad was being home on a cold snowy Sunday watching football while my newborn slept peacefully on my chest. I don't know who won or who even who played—I just stared at my baby son in wonder and felt a sense of purpose and joy never  before experienced.

Three years later, the feeling was recreated by the same little boy, now older, more mobile, and fully aware of the world around him. He reached up and grabbed my hand as I walked him to school. He stopped to watch critters crawl across the sidewalk, he told me how the leaves would turn brown after they fall off the trees, and he asked if I would like to play with him at school.

It's by accident that we are close enough to his school that we can walk there when the weather is nice. In our city, you have to get on several waiting lists and take the first opening that comes along. We got lucky, but I didn't know how lucky until my son reached up and grabbed my hand.

Knowing that feeling now, I make it a point to schedule my mornings so I can take that walk. And it's even better when the entire family comes along and we listen to our little guy tell us about the world—through his eyes—using his small but growing vocabulary.

Now, not everyday is as fun as that one particular memory I carry with me. In fact, some are frustrating as I try to get to work on time. And often, the weather makes it more of a trial than a warm and fuzzy moment. But it takes just one good walk to school, however, to make the challenging moments seem trivial.

Walking with kids and/or family seems like a lost routine. Cars, TVs, computers, and hectic schedules seem to have emptied the sidewalks, and with that, perhaps a meaningful page in the book of good memories. I'm glad I accidentally discovered this and would be remiss not to share the value of it with my fellow Stunt Dads. So grab your walking shoes and take the first step toward another fulfilling daddy moment. Pin It Now!

Munch's Hunches: NFL Divisional Playoffs

From coast to coast, Tim Tebow has become a phenomenon, and America is cashing in. Church attendance is up, Jockey underwear sales have never been higher, and early buzz coming out of Darling Angels Daycare is that they anticipate 2012 revenue to reach an all-time high, thanks in large part to my son, Munch. Last Sunday, the 20-month Munch organized a "Tebowl-a-rama" to raise money for a new big screen at Darling Angels. With more than 200 parents showing up, not only did they secure enough funds to purchase a 100" projector TV, but Munch's out-of-the-box "Tebowchickawowow" game generated more than $50,000. The game featured a shirtless Tim Tebow look-a-like conducting private dances for each of the ladies who donated $1 per every yard the real Tim Tebow threw. Only Munch's combination of football foresight and marketing magic could have predicted what happens when you string together a group of moms, a buff, spikey hair 20 year old, and a quarterback who ended up throwing for a career-high 319 yards. The owners of daycare are extremely excited for Saturday night's "Tebowchelorette," where 50 local men (who each donated $100) will compete for the opportunity to go on a date with a girl who once went on a date with Tim Tebow at the University of Florida. With all of the cash that Munch is bringing into Darling Angels, even the resident hottie, 2-year old Vanessa Calloway, has taken notice, "He's got the savvy of James Dean, the business sense of Jay-Z and the street smarts of Phil Hellmuth. What more could a girl want?"

The Saturday Game
Match-Up: New Orleans (14-3) at San Francisco (13-3)
Preview: Alex Smith suffers "Tebowel movement" in practice. After throwing a long touchdown pass during Friday's practice, 49er quarterback Alex Smith mocked Tim Tebow—and paid the price. As Smith got down on knee and raised his fist to his forehead, a large rumble was heard throughout the indoor practice facility, followed by the quarterback sh*tting himself on the 40 yard line. "The entire building seemed to shake, and that's when I saw it," said linebacker Patrick Willis. "I've never seen dookie actually seep through pants before. He made a real mess of himself." Smith was carted off the field and taken to a local hospital, where, upon examination, he was diagnosed with Irritable Tebowel Syndrome.
Munch's Hunch: Saint Go Marching In!
Stunt Dad Diatribe: New Orleans have been coasting, looking unstoppable for the past month. However, they are not an outdoor stadium team. And Candlestick is not an easy place to play this year, as the Niners are 7-1. SF will also bring a defense unlike any Drew Brees has seen this season, and Patrick Willis has personally guaranteed that Brees will not throw for more than 300 yards. Look for the Niners to shut down the Saints running attack and get a big defensive touchdown in this week's Fog Bowl. Niners gold rush Saints 24-21.

The Sunday Game
Match-Up: Houston (10-6) at Baltimore (12-4)
Preview: Joe Flacco give a Tebowjob to young fan. He was handsome. He had a great smile. And, he was 18. Which was good enough for Ravens quarterback, Joe Flacco, as he proceeded to give the University of Maryland freshman a Tebowjob. The man, who preferred to remain anonymous, was forced against at all, directed to close his eyes, and stick out his hands. Flacco then proceeded to start shoving communion wafers in his mouth and had the college student recite the Lord's prayer until he admitted that Tim Tebow does belong in the NFL. It's refreshing to see that these NFL quarterbacks really do stick together.
Munch's Hunch: Quote the Raven, More More More!
Stunt Dad Diatribe: I don't like TJ Yates especially, but I love Arian Foster and its impossible not to love Andre Johnson. Plus, they are one of two teams (Steelers) to actually have a better defense than the Ravens. Joe Flacco is a disaster waiting to happen every game, and Sunday will show a colossal meltdown from the inconsistent QB. Look for the Texans to shut down the Ravens in this week's Bowl. Texans lasso Ravens 27-23.

Now, we turn to Stunt Dad Nation on your thoughts on this analysis.

Likes, dislikes, hits, & misses?

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100 Days for My Baby Girl: Week 9

Week 9

By now, some of you might be telling your family, friends, and co-workers that your baby is sleeping through the night—which, is a complete and utter lie. But, if makes you feel better, go for it!

I don't consider 5 or 6 hours "sleeping through the night" because even if the baby goes to bed at midnight, you're still getting up before the sun does. There is no loophole, no 'kind of's' or 'sort of's.' You are just like the rest of us tired, sleep-deprived parents, and we resent you for even trying to suggest you might have had even ONE decent night's sleep in the past two months. When she starts sleeping from 7:00pm to 7:00am, then you can proudly brag how you have the best sleeper in the world. Phew, now I feel better.

On a more positive note, you can probably tell that your little one is responding more and more to the sound of your voice. It's pretty neat to see her eyes ping pong back and forth when Wifey and I have a conversation... or argue over how we are going to afford daycare, disagree about which groceries we need to buy, contend when we are moving out of the city, bicker as to where we are moving, feud over when we are going to get a mini-van, dispute whether we should get a dog, hash out who's turn it is to feed the baby, hassle over making dinner, quibble over doing the laundry, wrestle over washing the dishes, lock horns over taking out the trash, squabble at who's shoveling the driveway, mêlée over making Munch's lunches for the week... and, yep, I think that it's it. Sorry, it's been a tough week  :-)

I feel like having kids needs an instruction manual, even though we just did this with Munch 20 months ago, because any hope for structure and our attempted plans seem simply impossible to make and keep. But, I'm an optimist (if you can't tell...). So, Week 9 is going to be all about instruction. And, here are two things I'm planning on doing:

#1: Schedule a GNO for My Wife

No, I'm not channeling Rob Corddry's "Happy wife, happy life" philosophy from The Heartbreak Kid, but I do think it's important to give Wifey at least a reminder that there is life beyond baby. She has been such an amazing mother for the past 11 months—see what I did there? I'm one of a few million finalists for Husband of the Year, so maybe acknowledging the pregnancy part will give me some much needed votes—that she needs to get out and have some eats, drinks, and laughs with her bestest peeps. Even though she might protest, I'm going to take the kids to my parents house on a Saturday night, and leave her with her the follow itinerary for the evening...

• Take the longest shower you've ever had
• Take as long as you want to put on make-up
• Wear the sexiest dress you have, including the CFM boots
• Hop in the limo that has been procured to take you and your friends around town
• Drink multiple glasses of wine at the pre-dinner champagne bar
• Enjoy all the raw fish you can eat at the hip, new Sushi restaurant
• Have a shot (uh, redheaded slut?) and dance your a$$ off at the nightclub
• Sleep-in and enjoy the pot of coffee that is set to start brewing at 10am
• Read the newspaper, eat a wonderful breakfast, and take a nap before we come home at noon

#2: Teach My Daughter to Dance

I would love for my daughter to learn how to be graceful, feel elegant, and show poise, so what better way to do that than by teaching her how to dance? Plus, an added bonus of teaching her now is that I won't step on any toes and I'll feel better about spending all that time and money on the wedding dance lessons that we only got to use for 2 songs. I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'm no Fred Flintstone either. And I can prepare myself ahead of time for the various levels of dancing that await me:

• The Waltz (1st year): we'll start easy, as this will require the least amount of practice for me: she'll be snuggled up with me, and I all I need to avoid is the coffee table and the rocking chair
• The Ballroom (toddler years): my baby girl will probably channel her inner Disney Princesses and want to act very prim and proper around the family room after we have our evening tea party 
• The Freestyle (elementary years): I have two nieces, and if they're any gauge, I can expect complete and utter awesomeness, consisting of twirling, flailing of arms, lots of jumping, and a pretty decent workout
• The Swing (teenage years): dancing with me will probably be considered lame, so if I'm going to drag her to the dance floor, we will have a damn good time doing so
• The Ghost (college years): who are we kidding, she'll be at college and I'll be lucky to even see her during the holidays, so I'll either dance in my head or grab one of her old stuffed animals and think about all of her toes I had stepped on over the years
• The Dance (Wedding Day): the culmination of dancing with her all of my life, the moment where I weep internally at losing her to some guy that's not good enough for her, but also the moment where I can show off my fancy footwork from all of the year practicing with her

My advice for the two favorite girls in your life: spoil them! Not for any other reason that it's just fun. Your wife will love the time she gets to spend with her besties and she'll love you even more for scheduling it (who knows, you might even get lucky, wink, wink). And, your daughter will grow up having a blast with her daddy and ultimately trying desperately to find a good guy who's half the man you are. 

Are you doing anything for your baby girl that I can copy???? :-)

Check out the previous weeks below...

Week 8: Affection
Week 7: Communication
Week 6: Documentation
Week 5: Appreciation

Week 4: Observation

Week 3: Celebration

Week 2: Connection

Week 1: Reminiscence

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5 things I learned in 2011

1. Sleep is under rated! To keep a high tolerance for constantly spilled milk, chest hair being ripped out in clumps, ubiquitous Cheerios under foot and sounds pumped up an additional 10 decibels, sleep is absolutely a necessity.

2. TV is not family friendly. Commercials, news, and television show trailers with inappropriate scenes, actions and language infiltrate even the most innocent programming. Even when trying to put on Brainy Baby from On Demand, you have to see trailers to all the two-bit R rated movies in the preview pane. When watching mild Sunday morning programming, you will be inundated with gory news updates. The bottom line—TV is not for kids, unless you limit your channel surfing to the kid-only channels like Qubo or Sprout.

3. Time flies. 2011 came and went in the blink of an eye. It has driven home point that every day is precious and worth the added effort required to make it special.

4. The most valuable resource is attention. Kids like toys, but they love attention. And grown ups are no different. We seek it out on Facebook, we schedule it during the holidays, and we are disappointed when we miss it. So it is important to make sure that we are not just sitting in a room together, but instead, are giving our undivided attention.

5. Being a dad is really f'n cool. That one speaks for itself.

I'd love to hear what others have learned in the past year. Please share your thoughts in the comments.

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Hijacking Hollywood for Fatherhood: the retelling of STAR WARS for my 20-month old son

Are you bored to death reading the same bedtime book to your child over and over? Have you found yourself dreading another reading of Goodnight Moon? Well, here's a simple solution: rip-off Hollywood!

Munch and I have our bedtime routine down pat: we get him into his jammies, he grabs his teddy bear lovie, we settle into our cozy rocking chair, and I read him a couple of his favorite sleepytime books. Last night, the routine was no different—until it came time to read the "sleepy penguin song"—and the mind-numbing, excruciating pain that comes with reading it.

But before I got to the part where you are supposed to whisper something about flippers flapping and bellies bumping, I cracked—I was done. Done with the stupid little penguins who can't sleep on a quiet, peaceful, isolated glacier. I mean really—there is absolute silence, it's dark outside, and they have a thick layer of blubber to help keep them warm... you couldn't dream up a more perfect slumber scenario!

So, instead of finishing that hellish penguin song, I closed the book shut and proceeded to hijack Hollywood, Universal, and George Lucas—thanks sucker!!! It was the best 10 minutes of bedtime storytelling in history, because in my night-night story, there were no penguins. There was action, adventure, magic, and all the other cool stuff embedded into the greatest story in the history of Hollywood. And that story... is Star Wars.

However, since Munch's favorite stuffed animal is his teddy bear, I decided to Munch-ify the retelling of Star Wars in a theme to which he could better relate. So, Luke Skywalker became Luke Skycub, Lord Vader became Lord Black Bear, and the Death Star became the Death Cave, and so forth...

And, without further ado, below was last night's bedtime story for my little man.

(insert soft humming of the main theme as an introduction)...

BEAR WARS: Episode IV - A New Hope

...Bearsville is a peaceful nation. Most of the bears in Bearsville are nice bears, except for one—the evil and terrifying Lord Black Bear. Lord Black Bear had used his magic Roar to scare most of the bears in Bearsville, except a small group of bears called the Bear's Den. The Bear's Den mission is to overthrow Lord Black Bear and restore peace to the forest of Bearsville. The Bear's Den is led by Princess Leia Beargana who recently stole plans for a mighty Bear Cave that Lord Black Bear was building—a cave so mighty that it could occupy an entire forest! Princess Beargana tries to outrace Lord Black Bear, but she isn't fast enough and is captured. But, before being captured, Princess Beargana hides the stolen plans in R2Bear2 and deploys him to a remote part of Bearsville.

This remote part of Bearsville is called the Tatooine Forest, and it is home to Luke Skycub. Skycub lives with his Aunt and Uncle. One day, Skycub and his uncle visit a group of Jawacubs. The Jawacubs are known as scavengers, and they sell the best machine parts in all of Bearsville. Skycub becomes very excited when he sees R2Bear2, so he purchases him. That night, while pushing some of R2Bear2's buttons, a secret message appears. It is Princess Beargana, stating she has been captured by Lord Black Bear and that she has a secret message for Obi Wan Bearnobi. Skycub knows of Obi Wan Bearnobi, who lives in seclusion, up in the desert hills. The next morning, Skycub takes off with R2Bear2 to see Obi Wan Bearnobi and play him the message. Obi Wan Bearnobi immediately recognizes Princess Beargana and wants to save her. Obi Wan Bearnobi tells Skycub Skycub that he knew and fought with his father, Anakin Skycub, but that Lord Black Bear betrayed and killed Anakin. Obi Wan Bearnobi gives Skycub his branchsaber and offers to help Skycub develop a magic Roar. When his aunt and uncle are killed, Skycub joins Obi Wan Bearnobi and they set off to find Princess Beargana's part of the forest and alert her family.

Skycub, Obi Wan Bearnobi, and R2Bear2 go into town and unfortunately, see a lot of Lord Black Bear's Clone Bears. Obi Wan Bearnobi uses his own magical Roar to scare them before they meet Han Solobear and Chewgrizzlybear in a local pub. Solobear brags that he built the fastest ship in Bearsville out of a bunch of tree trunks and calls it the Millennium Falcub, telling Obi Wan Bearnobi that it will cost a lot of berries to take them to Princess Beargana's part of the forest. However, Obi Wan Bearnobi doesn't have any berries, but tells Solobear that the Princess is captured, and there will be a large reward for rescuing her. Solobear likes the idea of a large reward and agrees to help them. They all get into the Millennium Falcub and travel just outside of Princess Beargana's part of the forest. As they get closer, they see the largest cave they have ever seen called, the Death Cave, which has completely taken over the forest. Solobear tries to fly away, but the Millennium Falcub gets pulled into the Death Cave.

When they become captured inside the Death Cave, they all manage to escape and disguise themselves as Clone Bears. The group searches all over the ship and finds Princess Beargana. They free her, but not before they fall into a bear trap and nearly get squished. After they escape the bear trap, the group finds the Millennium Falcub. But, before they take off, they see Obi Wan Bearnobi in the distance. And, he is fighting the evil Lord Black Bear in a branchsaber battle. Skycub tries to help, but is held back by Solobear and Chewgrizzlybear because its too dangerous for him. Just then, Obi Wan Bearnobi looks across the room and sees Skycub, drops his branchsaber to the ground and Lord Black Bear strikes Obi Wan Bearnobi down. Skycub becomes distraught and yells out to Obi Wan Bearnobi but Chewgrizzlybear drags Skycub inside the Millennium Falcub and the group takes off as fast as they can.

Princess Beargana leads the ship to the secret Bear's Den lair and tells the bears about the Death Cave and Lord Black Bear's plans to destroy them. As the Bear's Den plans their attack on the Death Cave, they find out that Lord Black Bear has found their hidden base by putting a tracking device on the Millennium Falcub. The bears analyze the secret plans and decide that a single shot from Skycub could destroy the Death Cave, but they need to act fast. Solobear and Chewgrizzlybear receive their reward for rescuing Princess Beargana and decide to leave. Skycub tries to convince Solobear to stay and help them fight, but Solobear leaves anyways. Before Solobear leaves, he tells Skycub, "May the Roar be with you."

Skycub and R2Bear2 lead the Bear's Den in the fight against Lord Black Bear and the Death Cave. All of the bears are shot down in battle leaving just Skycub and R2Bear2. As they near the Death Cave, Lord Black Bear appears tries to shoot down Skycub. Just as Lord Black Bear is upon Skycub, Solobear and Chewgrizzlybear appear in the Millennium Falcub and blasts Lord Black Bear. Skycub hears the ghost of Obi Wan Bearnobi telling him to use his Roar, so Skycub closes his eyes and, using his own magic Roar, takes the single shot into the Death Cave. The shot ends up blowing up the Death Cave and destroying it completely.

Back at the Bear's Den, our heroes—Skycub, Solobear, Chewgrizzlybear, R2Bear2—all win medals of honor from Princess Beargana. Skycub hears the ghost of Obi Wan Bearnobi once more, telling him to take R2Bear2 and go to Dagobear where Giant Panyoda Bear will help him learn and understand how to control his magic Roar. Solobear and Chewgrizzlybear decide to stay with Princess Beargana and help the Bear's Den restore peace to the forest.  And just when everyone thinks that Lord Black Bear has been destroyed...(insert my best Lord Black Bear breathing)...Skycub gets a strange feeling that their enemy may still be out there.....

(insert soft humming of the final theme)

I'm not sure when Munch fell asleep, probably about the time Solobear was introduced, but this turned out to be the most fun bedtime story ever told—at least for me.

I now turn to you, Stunt Dad Nation. To what other movies should I apply my Hijacking Hollywood for Fatherhood methodology? Can you think of a good readaptation?


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